Matt, Sean, and Cyborgs

Now, that my cross-country adventure is over and I’m settling into life in Seattle I understand that I have a responsibility to provide entertainment for you, my adoring public (all seven of you).  Thus, purely out of concern for your amusement, I have embarked on a journey into the dark depths of online dating.  Sunday’s entry was only the first installment of what I expect will be a multi-part series.

Tonight the saga continues…

Matt caught my eye online because apparently he has two cats which he renames every few months “to keep things interesting” and he knows a restaurant in town that serves strawberry balsamic ice cream.  (Obviously my stringent criteria for choosing dates represents a total recipe for success.)

Earlier in the week he suggests we meet for coffee on Wednesday at 6:30.  I agree.  He replies to my reply to let me know that he received my agreement and that we are still in agreement.  Then today, several hours before the date he replies (again) to confirm (again) that we’re still on for tonight.

Thankfully, the coffee shop is just up the street so I mosey on up and arrive a few minutes early to an empty shop.  No worries.  I order a latte, pick a nice table by the window, and enjoy the people watching.  A little while later a man walks in who technically fits the description: white male, mid 30s, brown hair, average height.  He doesn’t quite look like the photos, but I’ve been fooled by online photos before.  He stares at me for a little while, orders his drink, and then sits down at the table next to me.  Oh, okay, I guess that’s not him.

I continue to happily wait and sip my latte until eventually “not him” starts talking to me, “So have you ever been to that sushi place across the street?”  “I'm sorry I haven't” I reply, “I've only lived here a few weeks.”  He gets up and moves to a chair closer to me and introduces himself as Sean.  As long as I was waiting for Matt to show up, I didn’t see any harm in chit-chatting with Sean for a little while.  Naturally he asked what brought me to Seattle which led into a discussion of what I do for work so I inquired about his job:  professional waiter... for now. 

The “for now” part intrigued me so asked what the ultimate goal was, assuming that he was some sort of aspiring artist.  Nope.  He has no other goal.  I explained to him that I was a little surprised by that and I thought it made his “for now” statement misleading.  So, he gave it a little thought and decided, “Maybe I could train those puppies that you bring to the hospital to cheer people up.  Puppies are nice.”  Trying very hard not to laugh I said, “I think those dogs are just people's pets.  One of my friends used to take his dog to play with patients.  I don't think they need special training like service dogs do…”  You could tell the poor guy was crushed.  After I had shattered his life-long dream (or at least his dream for the past 3 minutes) he felt it was time to go.

Still no sign of Matt, I finished my latte and left at 6:47.  Wow, this is so exciting!  I’ve never been stood up before and I actually thought it was pretty funny.  I felt like it was an important milestone that every dater must pass through and I was happy that I'd at least had some company to pass the time.

I walked back home and talked to Alexis for bit about his drive up (yeah!) and by the time I checked my email I had 2 messages from Matt.  The first was apologizing and explaining that he had just missed me (evidently he asked the barista about me).  In the second message he offered to buy me dinner if I would come back out and meet him.  How did he know??  Free food is like my kryptonite and I was too weak to resist.

I call him up to arrange the details and as we are making plans he abruptly interjects, “Just because we’re having dinner doesn’t mean we’ve moved on to the next level.  I still need to make sure you’re not a man.”  I burst out laughing and then reminded him that dinner was his idea, not mine!  After this bizzare exchange you might assume that I would find a graceful way to back out, but nope I really am that dedicated to providing you with a good story (oh yeah, and I wanted some free Thai food).

I learned a lot on this date.  First and foremost, I learned that I am Medusa (Occam's razor: the simplest explaination).  Other than an imminent fear of turning to stone I can’t imagine what else could possible terrify this poor young man so much as to prevent him from looking me in the eye for the entire date.  But fear not, this total lack of eye contact did not prevent him from giving me a 15 minute tutorial on flat-screen TVs: LCD vs. Plasma and 780i vs. 1080i vs. 1080p.  This was clearly an attempt to sedate me and thus strip me of my (literal) petrifying powers.

I managed to prevail and keep my eyelids open so he was forced to switch tactics and challenge me with his own power.  He possesses a profound knowledge of vampires and cyborgs.  There was definitely a subtle implication that he might have some “connections” with those types so I’d better watch my back!  In case you were unaware, (which I wasn’t) vampires are not actually immortal superhumans, they are aliens that just blend in with humans but have altered DNA.  Cyborgs are apparently the defenders of mere humans and are the natural enemy of vampires (not those silly werewolves like you’ve seen on tv).  Some day Matt hopes to make a video game to educate the public about such important matters, but until that day... consider yourself educated.